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The Date/Transcript
(The scene begins on a heart-shaped planet with an arrow through the middle, similar to a Cupid symbol. Wander and Sylvia are pretending to look at a menu, but they are spying on Lord Hater, who is sitting alone.) Wander: Should we say hi? Sylvia: No! What is he doing here? (Hater is sitting alone at another table with two glasses on it. The waiter reaches for the glass.) Hater: Leave it! She'll be here, okay?! I totally did not get stood up! (He throws a candle.) And bring me a new candle! (Throws a candle again) This one's stupid! Wander: Poor Lord Hater! Sylvia: (Starts to laugh) Are you kidding? This is hilarious! We got a fancy dinner AND a show! (gasps) It serves him right for being a jerk all the time. (Hater sighs) Wander: Awww. Maybe if someone gave him a chance, he wouldn't be so darn evil! Sylvia: And maybe we should mind our own beeswax! So he got jilted, it's not the end of the world! Hater: Hey, Peepers. Yeah, the king of this stupid planet was totally lying! His lame daughter was a no-show. Whatever. I'm gonna head back to the ship, curl up with a pint of Fudgy Pudgy Vanilla, AND BLOW THIS PLANET TO KINGDOM COME! (He presses a red button and a big ol' doomsday cannon pops out from the main hanger of his ship, its target: the love planet.) Sylvia: 'Okay, so it ''is the end of this world! 'Wander: '(gasp) This is a disaster! (starts shaking Sylvia) We gotta find him a replacement date or his self-esteem will drop DRAMATICALLY! (pauses) SO THE PLANET WILL BE DOOMED! '''Sylvia: (shaky voice) Easier said than done, Wander! (normal voice) Who in their right mind would go on a date with Lord Hater? (She makes a straight face as Wander smiles at her.) Hater: '''I don't have to tip if I just had the bread, right? (throws a paper at the waiter) '''Sylvia: (valley girl voice) Oh, no! (shows up wearing a wig, yellow cloth, and pink eyeshadow.) I cannot believe that I, a comely single gal, have been stood up! I feel oh so rejected and vulnerable. (Wander is under the table, giving Sylvia a thumbs up.) Hater: Hold the countdown. Things just got... interesting. (Title shows up) Hater: Click. Sylvia: You know, gettin' blown up doesn't seem that bad. Wander: Come on, Syl! The fate of the planet depends on your sparkling dinner conversation! All you have to do is make him feel good and confident! (Hater starts spraying green body spray all over himself and approaches Sylvia) Wander: '''He's coming over! It's working! '''Sylvia: It's really not. (Wander gets back under the table and pushes the candle to the left) Hater: Heaven must be missing an angel, because here I am. Sylvia: Oh, brother. (Wander stomps on her foot) Ugh! (valley girl voice) Are you charming! Hater: You have me at disadvantage. Obviously, everyone knows me: Lord Hater, Hate's great, best villain. And you are? Sylvia: (valley girl voice) Uhhh... I don't know. (sees the waiter with a plate of linguine) Linguini... (sees the waiter go back the other way with breadsticks) Von... Breadstick? Lin for short. Hater: '''"Von". Fancy. Wait. Don't I know you? '''Sylvia: (gulps) (valley girl voice) No. I don't think so. Hater: Aren't you... the lucky lady about to have the best night of her life? Sylvia: (valley girl voice) Uh... hehehehe. (Hater sticks his foot out and starts moving it up and down. Wander rubs it with his foot, and Hater starts kicking Wander in the face, thinking he is touching Sylvia's foot. Wander goes flying across the room and comes out dressed as a Spanish waiter. He pours a glass of water for Hater.) Hater: And that's the top secret origin of the galaxy's greatest dictator. (drinks the water) Me. I'm really quite fascinating, don't you think? Sylvia: (normal voice) Huh? (back in valley girl voice) Oh, yeah! Uh huh! Wander: (Italian accent) '’Scusi, signorina'', maybe you like-a to order-a something-a from de spe-cial men-u. '' (Sylvia looks at the menu, but it's actually a list of nice things to say about Lord Hater.) Sylvia: (valley girl voice) Your lightning bolts are so... pointy. Hater: I know! (Plays with them) Can you believe I just roll outta bed this way? Let's order. Then you can tell me more things you like about me. (Sylvia grunts at Wander, and another waiter points him to many more customers who need their water. He leaves as Sylvia frowns at him, and he shrugs.) Sylvia: (With her eyes closed, to herself; normal voice) It's just dinner, it's just dinner, it's just dinner... (Side view of the table.) Hater: So...(his talking is fast forwarded) and then on Thursdays I blast my quadriceps and quadriplexes. (eats and talks in fast forward mode as Wander shows up taking Hater's order) and a third order of sliders, half rare, half well done. Oh, did you want something? (Sylvia grunts and takes the menu and once again, Hater's talking is fast forwarded.) Hater: And then the butcher says, "Not on my dime!" AAAAAHAHAHA! (his laughing is fast forwarded) Oh...oh...ahhh..."Not on my dime!" AAAAHAHAHA! (his talking is fast forwarded) There is a pea touching my potato. DO IT AGAIN! (Hater gets another plate and gobbles up all the food again) (The waiter gives Hater a bill, and he sits there and whistles.) Sylvia: (takes the bill) Ugh! Fine! Whatever it takes for this dinner to be over! Hater: Yep. Dinner's over. Now we can get on with the rest of the date! Sylvia: Rest of?! (Hater pulls Sylvia out the door and stops at a carnival.) Wander: (other kind of accent) Step right up! Everyone's a winner when love is in the air! Sylvia: Ugh. (valley girl voice) Two, please! (gives Wander the money) Hater: (rushes past Sylvia) Haties first! (Song:"A Night To Remember") Oh, tonight is gonna be a night to remember Sylvia: (To herself) It's just dinner and a carnival. It's just dinner and a carnival. It's just dinner and a carnival... Tonight is gonna be an evening you never will forget. Oh, tonight is gonna be a night to remember (A night to remember)! Girl, you’re gonna love me soon, if you don't love me yet. We'll ride on the Ferris wheel of romance; We'll turn it 'round and 'round. Oh, my heart's so dizzy for you, girl, I might hurl it up onto the ground. Oh, tonight is gonna be a night to remember (A night to remember)! Girl, you’re gonna love me soon, If you don't love me yet! I said, girl, you’re gonna love me soon, If you don't love me yet! Oh, yeah! Hater: That was a night to remember. Sylvia: (valley girl voice) No matter how hard I try to forget. Hater: You know, Lin, of all the many women I've totally dated, you're the most easily impressed. I like that. (Wander comes by in a car with a pink alien, and Sylvia mouths "help me" to him, but he just wishes her good luck. Then Hater tries to kiss her, but she kicks him away. Sylvia sits in the carriage silently gasping for air, just as she hears Hater crying.) Sylvia: (valley girl voice) Uh...Lord Hater? Hater: I'm not crying, YOU'RE crying! I try so hard, you know, but I...I have a big personality. Ugh! I'm such an idiot! You're so cool and I just...(faints) want a girl to like me? (Sylvia leans over, gags, and kisses Hater on the head. He suddenly feels better.) Hater: OH YEAH! (he runs around as Sylvia stands by, sticking her tongue out because of the dreadful kiss she gave to Lord Hater.) Hater: You know what? I don't even wanna blow up this stupid planet anymore! (Wander and Sylvia give each other a thumbs up) Sylvia: (valley girl voice) Well, thanks for the memorable night. We'll do this again. (Hater suddenly grabs at her tail.) Hater: How about every night for the rest of our lives? (He holds out a ring.) Sylvia: Oh no. (Wander puts his thumb down) Hater: Lin, say yes. The thought of even spending one second without you makes me want to BLOW UP ALL THE PLANETS IN THE UNIVERSE! What do you say? (Sylvia gulps.) Hater: No pressure. (Sylvia is then standing in Hater's ship wearing a wedding dress. Hater then starts playing "Here Comes the Bride" on guitar.) Watchdog: I always cry at these things! Sylvia: (To herself) It's just dinner and a carnival and a lifetime of misery. It's just dinner and a carnival and a lifetime of misery. It's just dinner and a carnival and a lifetime of misery. It's just dinner and a carnival and a lifetime of misery. It's just dinner and a carnival and a lifetime of misery. (trips on one of her heels) Oh! Stupid heels. (Hater stops playing, but the music continues; a wider shot reveals a Watchdog playing a virtuoso guitar, while Hater was only pretending to play. Hater zaps him.) Peepers: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to marry this stunning vision of loveliness… to some broad he met at a restaurant. If anyone objects to the marriage of Lord Hater and Linguini Von Breadstick, let them speak now or... Girly voice: STOP! (Wander is standing by the aisle dressed as a woman.) Wander: (Southern belle-style voice) I object. I do declare, Lord Hater, I am your number one fan. I've pined for you from afar for ages, always too afraid to approach, OH! But now that I see you in the arms of this cheap horse, (normal voice, to Sylvia) No offense. (girly voice, to Hater) I must say fiddle dee dee to that, and say my peace. Take me instead! (normal voice, to Sylvia) I got you into this mess; I'm gonna get you out! Sylvia: By putting YOURSELF into the mess? Wander: It's not a perfect plan. Hater: Oh, hehe. Awkward. Ladies, there's no need to fight over me. When you're the most dynamic overlord in the universe, they're gonna throw themselves at your feet! I'm Lord Hater! Why should I choose over a 6 and a 4 when there's a whole galaxy of tens SEEKING THE LORD HATER EXPERIENCE?! Listen, I've had a swell time, but I forgot about this thing I've got somewhere else. You've been awesome! Keep in touch! (He kicks Wander and Sylvia out of the room and his ship leaves. Wander and Sylvia walk away in their orbble transporter.) Wander: Phew. Planet Lamouria is saved, Hater's regained his confidence... Sylvia: And we're both still single! (pauses) I better have been the 6 or I'm gonna go back there and deck him! Hater: WOO! Free man! Peepers, set a course for ladies! Whoever we find is gotta be better than those two. Peepers: You mean Sylvia and Wander in dresses? Hater: WHAT?!!! (Snap to black.) Category:Transcripts